Gratitude

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” - Albert Einstein

Although they broaden our perspective and help us connect to the world, positive emotions can be hard for some to experience. Positive emotions are fragile, appearing suddenly and then fading quickly, easily overpowered by the spin of our thoughts or, more frequently, negative emotions. As we discussed last week, negative emotions are prolific and sticky. They are easy to generate but hard to shake off. All emotions, both positive and negative, play an important role in our lives; what is important is the daily ratio of the two. Research measuring the impact emotions have on our health shows that overall well-being and mortality is enhanced in people who experience a ratio of three positive emotions for every one that is negative. But this ratio may seem out of reach. Our brains are wired to scan the environment for cues of danger, making negative emotions, such as fear, anger, and anxiety, easier to generate. Positive emotions require more effort and intention. It involves more than simply turning off negative emotions; positive emotions need to be cultivated and then practiced. The good news is that even the crustiest of curmudgeons can increase his or her ratio of positive emotions. We all have the capacity to be more positive.

So, why bother with a ratio? Can’t we just get rid of negative emotions, basically “turn our frowns upside down”? As we discussed last week, negative emotions are useful and important to our wellbeing. They tell us when a need is not being met or when we are in danger. Negative emotions become toxic when they dominate our emotional landscape. The ratio is important because positive emotions buffer the stress that comes with the inevitable obstacles, hassles, and heartbreaks we experience in life. Negative emotions can be thought of as the “salt” in our lives. A tablespoon of salt in a shot glass of water would be difficult, if not impossible, to drink. That same tablespoon of salt diluted in 32 ounces of water is more palatable; the more water we add to the salt, the easier it is to drink. Positive emotions are the water that helps reduce the sting of the salt. The more positivity we build, the more we dilute the impact of our negative emotions. Positive emotions gain strength in numbers; they build on one another, creating an upward spiral that strengthens our resilience to the inevitable hardships of life—the “salt”. They bring us joy and promise, helping us to flourish rather than just survive.

Gratitude is a positive emotion that takes center stage during the season of Thanksgiving. It is an emotion related to self-transcendence as it requires that we see beyond our own personal experience to notice how we are connected to something much larger than ourselves. Gratitude creates a pleasant, expansive feeling that is mixed with a sense of joy, awe, and inspiration. It can appear suddenly, such as when a gift or a kindness comes our way unexpectedly, and it sparks an urge in us to give back, motivating us to do something in return either for the sender or for someone else.

Like most positive emotions, gratitude is fragile. Without the right mindset, it can quickly morph into its evil twin: indebtedness. When you receive a gift and it feels distinctly unpleasant, or when you give to someone but do so begrudgingly, you are feeling indebted. This can be felt as a heaviness, a sense of being burdened. Gratitude makes us feel lighter, inspiring us to give back freely and creatively. Gratitude also does not follow rules. Covering for your coworker’s vacation with the expectation that he will do the same for you is honoring an unspoken social contract. It is a nice thing to do that works within the economy of favors. Gratitude does not follow any form of etiquette. It is sincere and unscripted, given freely without expectations of future reciprocation.

Gratitude grows when we are anchored in the present moment. To be present we must broaden our perspective and open up to what exists beyond the borders of our own reality. Occasionally, gratitude can drop into our awareness, like seeing a spectacular sunset, holding a newborn, or during special occasions such as Thanksgiving when we gather with people who bring us joy. But the world glitters with everyday moments of wonder and kindness that can inspire gratitude; we just need to notice them. Small acts of kindness can be found most days but are fleeting and easily overlooked when we focus exclusively on our internal world. Getting stuck in the ruts of our habitual thinking patterns reduces the chances we’ll see these small treasures. The first step in building your capacity for gratitude is to simply look up from your own navel. Broaden your perspective by quieting your thinking, judging, and analyzing. Come into the present moment with the same spirit of curiosity you had when you were a child. If you look closely for the small things, you’ll soon find plenty of opportunities to feel the joy that inspires you to give back, pay it forward, and initiate the upward spiral of flourishing.

As we celebrate a Thanksgiving season in which we must change how we gather, now more than ever we need to expand our perspective. Doing so will help us see more of the small moments in which we can cultivate gratitude and express the appreciation for all that our lives have to offer.