“Ambivalence is a wonderful tune to dance to. It has a rhythm all its own.”
Erica Jong
Depending on the source, anywhere from 45% to as many as 80% of people abandon their New Year’s resolutions by the time February rolls around. These percentages are not surprising to anyone who has ever tried to change a habit or create a new one. Upon embarking on the path toward change, it doesn’t take long to realize that the process takes considerable effort, and that committing to starting a new habit is one thing, while sustaining that behavior is quite another. The struggle to keep our resolutions is less about willpower than it is part of the curious complexity of the human mind—we are incredibly clever when it comes to setting intentions but are also very good at getting in our own way. We are, it seems, experts at self-sabotage.
We hold many false beliefs about behavior change, the most common being that we will be motivated to change once we have the right amount of information. This myth compels us to lecture that overweight relative with heart disease about the dangers of saturated fat or surprises us when our well-educated friend continues to smoke. Our false belief that knowledge is power compels us to spend hours reading, talking, and thinking about all the reasons we should make a change, whether it be exercise, saving money, or ending a toxic relationship, but, in the end, we still fail to take action. Knowledge does not always translate into wise action; human history is full of examples of people following their hearts rather than their heads.
Another myth we hold about change is that it is a linear process that follows a steady progression toward a desired destination. This myth is problematic as it frames the change process in “all or nothing” terms which define any slip up as a failure rather than an inevitable part of the process. Change rarely unfolds in a straight line. It is more of a switchback trail where we move forward a few steps, then back for two, take a jump over to the side, another around the bend, and then, with little fanfare, a small leap over the finish line. Quite frequently, once we reach our destination, we find ourselves turning back and retracing our steps.
If change were easy, we wouldn’t need to make New Year’s resolutions. Since many of our unhealthy behaviors are acquired over a lifetime, they offer the security of familiarity. It is their comfort that makes them intractable; they can become so ingrained that we falsely believe we are powerless to change. Establishing new habits takes energy, focus, and a willingness to be uncomfortable—a challenge by itself, but especially hard when the heavy demands and stresses of life deplete our resources.
On the road to change, the first step involves no movement at all; before we take a step forward, we must idle our engines to work through ambivalence. All change starts once we become aware that a certain behavior may not be helpful, spurring us to consider a change. We start exploring the pros and cons of our habits, weighing the benefits of change against the risks of our current behavior. The juxtaposition of deeply ingrained behaviors with the potential benefits of a new habit can be extremely uncomfortable. It creates ambivalence, which is a normal--and important--part of the change process. The tension it generates can cause us to either step off the path and retreat to the safety of our old behaviors or propel us down the path toward change.
Ambivalence is an uncomfortable state of conflict that most of us try to avoid. We prefer clear, solid direction over being simultaneously pushed or pulled in different directions. Being indecisive is a tenuous, uncertain state that creates a good deal of psychological tension. In an effort to find stability we may jump into making behavior changes before we are really ready to do so, taking action before we’ve considered all the pros and cons related to change. But premature action creates a false start and doesn’t make ambivalence go away; it frequently amplifies the struggle. We wind up faltering very soon after jumping off the starting line, only to retreat to our old behaviors, feeling discouraged and disappointed.
Although it is uncomfortable, we need to spend time in ambivalence to sufficiently examine the pros and cons of change. This step involves a good deal of self-exploration, with a commitment to stay with the discomfort of ambivalence while examining pro-change and counter-change arguments. It is important that we embrace ambivalence, recognizing that it is normal to hold both motivations within us. In an effort to build motivation, we may overemphasize the argument for change while downplaying any potential reasons in support of the status quo, but effective change comes only when we explore both sides equally. Trying to get herself psyched up to quit smoking, a client told me that there was “no possible benefit to smoking”. It was, she insisted, “a dirty, dangerous habit”. Evidently there were benefits as she rarely could abstain from smoking longer than a week. It wasn’t until she fully explored the emotional benefits she got from smoking that she was able to quit for good.
Yet, it is easy to get stuck in ambivalence. Many people remain there for a long time, sometimes missing their opportunity to make a change. There is a certain appeal to being indecisive; engaging in an endless internal debate helps us avoid the hard work and struggle involved in change. Ambivalence is helpful when it serves to shift the balance, helping us find more pros than cons, and helps us set a course for future action. Chronically thinking about pros and cons just runs us in circles where we tread a path that becomes so deep that we can’t see our way out.
Change, even if it is just one unhealthy habit, can be daunting at the onset. Learning new behaviors requires a level of diligence that can be exhausting, and the inevitable relapses along the way can be disheartening. Lasting change is hard, but not impossible, provided we approach it with the right tools. Rational thinking, part of the myth that knowledge is power, lacks the energy needed to sustain the arduous process of behavior change. Information can fill us with reasons why we should change, but rarely does it light the fire of determination needed to sustain the process. It takes a compelling vision of who we might be in the future--one that is in sync with our values and gives meaning to life--to get us through the woods, over the hill, and around the bend, providing the energy for that final leap into a new way of living.
Although the change process unfolds unevenly, full of false starts and relapses, it is one of life’s best teachers. With each false start and every relapse, as well as the times we stumble, get up, and try again, we learn about ourselves and become more skillful. Keep in mind that change and adaptation are the hallmarks of being human. Our capacity to learn new skills and adapt to different environments is what made our species thrive. So, as we glide into February, away from the promise of the fresh start of the New Year, keep in mind that it is not the resolutions that are important, but the very process of change and what it teaches us. It is what we learn about ourselves as we move along that switchback trail that helps us to grow, knowing that for every two steps we take forward and three steps back, we become more skilled in navigating the path forward.
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