Fulfillment

“Happiness is not a goal. It’s a by-product of a life well lived.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

People in India devised a simple way to catch monkeys using a coconut and a cord. A coconut with a hole big enough for a monkey to put his hand through is filled with treats such as nuts or rice. The trapper ties one end of a cord to the coconut and the other to a tree and then waits out of sight. Monkeys are curious, so eventually one will find the coconut. He can easily reach in and grab the treats but is unable to pull his clenched fist through the narrow opening. Unless the monkey lets go of the treats, he is trapped.

The irony is that all the monkey needs to do to avoid getting trapped is release his grasp. Sound familiar? Perhaps you can relate to the monkey. Don’t all of us chase after things we think will make us happy only to wind up feeling miserable? Looking back, you might wonder why you didn’t just let go, even though the signs flashed “Danger!”. We all have our monkey traps—those goals, things, desires that we are sure will make us happy but in the end lead to disappointment, pain, and sometimes suffering. And, just like the monkey, frequently our suffering is avoidable. All we need to do is release our grasp, let go, and pull our hand out of the coconut.

It’s safe to say that most of us want to lead lives that are fulfilling. We want a life that is joyful and satisfying, one in which we have choices, direction, and balance. Some people have a clear idea of what that life might look like. Others get stuck on the question of what they want, unable to see the broader issue of what would make them happy. Even when we do have an idea of what we want, we don’t always know how to make it happen.

Fulfillment can be elusive. We might find it in certain areas of our lives, but not in others. We may be happy and cheerful at one age but miserable a few years later. An unexpected turn of events can shift our lives from satisfied to hopeless in a blink of an eye. Much of the difficulty in finding fulfillment lies in what we are looking for. Many of us seek ways to have a fulfilling life. We start by asking “What do I want?”. We take an inventory of what we have and don’t have, noting the gap between the two. From there we design a plan to acquire the things we need to fill the gap—more money, a vacation home, a better marriage, being healthier. We might even build a “bucket” list and seek to tick off each experience, using the list as a litmus test of our life satisfaction. Unfortunately, seeking to have fulfillment leads us to a monkey trap. We may get what we want but the thrill is momentary and the satisfaction, although exciting, is fleeting. Fulfillment will always be out of reach when we grasp for it, doggedly pursuing ideas, goals, things, or outcomes in our quest to get it at a future date. Just like the monkey, we stick our hand in the coconut, grab the treats, and soon become trapped.

Perhaps we need to look at fulfillment through a different lens. We start by imagining what a fulfilling life would be like. Fulfillment is not a destination, nor is it confined to a particular place or time. It’s not an end state in which we are full, capped off, or finished. Fulfillment is available to us at any time, regardless of circumstances, with no time limit or restrictions. We can be fulfilled today when plans go smoothly, and again tomorrow when things fall apart.

We often confuse feeling good with being fulfilled. These two conditions may coexist, but it also exists when life is difficult, challenging, or uncomfortable. Fulfillment is about living the full expression of who we are, of knowing what gives life meaning. Choices are made that honor our values and reflect what is essential to us in life. These values are not morals, nor are they a form of self-government. Values are who we are. They give our life its unique richness. When we make choices that honor our values, life develops a sense of harmony and congruence, and we experience a sense of deep satisfaction. Orienting our lives toward what gives us meaning is the essence of being fulfilled. We can still want things and have goals. The difference is that these things become expressions of fulfillment, not the means to get there.

Fulfillment is paradoxical in that the more we grasp for it, the more it eludes us. This is reflected in the saying “What you possess, possesses you.” To experience fulfillment we need to loosen our grip, open our hand, and examine what we hold on to so tightly. Does it make us feel alive or does it weigh us down? Will it give richness to our life or trap us in misery? Most importantly, is it in harmony with what we find essential and meaningful in life? Fulfillment isn’t a reward that we get in the future. It is an orientation to life that can be tapped into once we let go and release our grasp. To be fulfilled we need to meet life where it is in the moment, responding by making choices that honor our values and reflect what is most important to us in life.

Balance is compromised when we grip, when our choices are driven by “should”, “must”, and “have to” commands that do not resonate with what we find meaningful. The more we live according to standards that are out of sync with our values, the less fulfilled we become. The impact of gripping shows up clearly in a yoga practice. Do you notice those times when you impose arbitrary standards on yourself during your practice? On a day when your hips are tight and stiff, do you berate yourself because you “should” be able to go deeper in Warrior 1? When your shoulders are tired and your wrists are sore, do you push through a salutation because you “must” do the entire class? Do you judge your practice on how well you “kept up”, regardless of how each pose felt? If so, get out of the monkey trap! Yoga asks us to show up and make choices. It is not a follow-the-leader practice of bendy choreography. Each pose offers an opportunity to make adjustments—choices--based on what our body needs. We can go deeper into a pose or modify, we can flow out and then back in, or we can choose to restore in a child’s pose. Yoga happens when we make a choice, not when we follow along blindly, regardless of what we feel in our body.