“Belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to BE who we are.” - Brene Brown
The holiday season is a time when relationships come into the spotlight. Some of us look forward to reconnecting while others dread the prospect of social gatherings. Thoughts of connecting with others can spur narratives we’ve created of past interactions; many of these stories vary in accuracy but are ripe with emotion. Our narratives tend to focus on memories of what was said, behaviors, and the overall feeling tone inspired by the interaction. You may remember relatives who embarrassed you when they drank too much, or the discomfort you feel toward a loud, obnoxious cousin. Perhaps you are excited to visit with that friend who always seems to make you laugh. These narratives are but one aspect of the complex web of cognitive processes we use in our interactions with others. But our social behaviors are not only influenced by our beliefs, thoughts, and actions. Although cognitive processes are important, our relationships are also influenced by our biology, using systems that are hard-wired and deeply rooted in our nerves, bodily states and emotional processes, all of which occur largely outside of our awareness.
Since we are born defenseless and completely dependent on others for survival, infants come into the world hard-wired for social connection. Relative to other mammals, it takes a long time for us to become independent; possessing a sophisticated system that encourages connection with others ensures our ability to thrive. Humans have evolved a deeply embedded social engagement system that helps us detect affective states in others and to communicate them as well. Because our brains take such a long time to fully develop, these processes are biological rather than cognitive, involving nerves and structures that regulate cues that encourage social connection. These structures include muscles related to facial expressions, vocalizations, positioning of the head, and those that initiate and maintain eye contact.
What we say and do with others is important, but our biology is wired for how we interact. Maya Lou Angelou explains this best by reminding us that people will not remember what you say as much as they will remember how you make them feel. Nurturing social connections are developed when we feel safe and our nervous system is calm. Our hard-wired social engagement system supports this process by enabling us to evaluate risk in other people by identifying safety cues. When a person is sending sufficient safety cues, our nervous system is triggered to downshift, allowing us to relax and feel calm. Downshifting our nervous system promotes higher quality relationships, as higher brain structures that are responsible for creativity, emotional regulation, and sustained attention are accessed when we are in a relaxed state.
Different strategies are used to navigate our interactions when we are tense or feel threatened. Think of the difference in your physiology when you speak in front of an audience of strangers versus a small group of trusted friends. Public speaking is a potentially stressful event—it rates as one of our greatest fears. Speaking to a sea of unfamiliar faces, some of whom look angry, bored, or disinterested, is threatening and elicits the “fight or flight” response. Your heart races, you breathe faster, your voice constricts. To make matters worse, your attention scatters and you lose focus. Fear causes your muscles to stiffen as you watch the audience lose interest. What happens when you present the same speech to a group of friends? It is no surprise their smiling, supportive faces, head nods, and eye contact will keep you in a calm state. You will most likely offer a richer presentation that keeps your audience engaged. Tension and fear shut down the systems that encourage connection, as we send cues that are more likely to keep others at a distance or on their guard. Fast breathing, muscle tension, a loud or pinched voice—these are physiological states we need to fight a predator or flee from danger but will also keep us disconnected from others.
Our ability to evaluate risk in our social environments uses unconscious processes that identify specific physical features related to safety. Humans are wired to evaluate another’s facial features to assess whether they are friendly or a possible predator. We are wired to scan the muscles around the eyes, the position of the mouth, and the general expressiveness of the face. People who maintain soft eye contact, a pleasant smile, and show a variety of pleasant facial reactions are evaluated as “low risk” and approachable. They are deemed safe which allows our nervous system to downshift. This is how we respond to a close friend, a friendly coworker, or someone we love. Conversely, think of the annoying salesperson who stares at you aggressively with a wide toothy grin. You may feel threatened and want to run away. Additionally, the recognition of physical features is reciprocal. If we respond to a friendly face with an angry expression we might be seen as a threat, causing a friendly person to disengage and keep their distance.
Features of the human voice are also an important part of the biological processes that evaluate risk. Humans tend to associate low frequency sounds with danger, whereas higher frequencies with greater tonality generate feelings of safety. Anyone who has tried to calm a crying newborn knows that gently singing a soft melody will be more soothing than belting out a tune from Aerosmith. We are more likely to relax when exposed to voices that are melodic and infused with a great deal of tone but are more likely to become tense when we hear loud or screeching voices that lack modulation. Think of how you react to the low growl of a dangerous dog, a scream, or loud angry shouting. It is important to remember that what we say may be important, brilliant, helpful, or exciting, but how we say it will determine whether it is heard.
In this age of digital distractions, eye contact has become increasingly absent in our relationships, but is a critical safety cue and an essential component of connectedness. Making and sustaining eye contact is how we signal to others that we are interested and open to making a connection. Most of us know how it feels when you talk to someone who is constantly looking at a phone or some other device. They may be nodding or cheerfully stating “I’m listening!”, but the lack of eye contact states otherwise. The interaction leaves us feeling irritated, angry, or hurt. When another person does not look at us, we feel ignored and discounted. We close down and disconnect. A soft gaze coupled with varied facial expressions communicates interest and understanding, fostering the caring attitude that allows us to calm down and open up.
Even though we are hard-wired for social connection, our cognitive processes influence our biological states. Our thoughts and beliefs can muddy how we interpret our deeply ingrained cues for safety which, given the circumstances, can either help or hinder us in our relationships. MRI scans of people with social anxiety disorders show activation in areas of the brain associated with fear when interacting with a stranger, even when that person is providing good eye contact and is generally behaving in a friendly manner. The thoughts associated with the stress of social interaction overwhelm the person’s sensitivity to safety cues. When taught how to purposefully override the fear response with breathing practices and mindfulness, the MRI scans of those with social anxiety showed a marked increase in the activation of brain areas associated with sustained attention and creativity.
Our bodies have an incredible capacity to help us navigate our world more skillfully. When we tune into these processes with mindful attention, we open ourselves to a world of wisdom that can foster richer and more nurturing social connections. Best of all, understanding the role of safety plays in our interactions with others gives us tools to possibly shift the dynamics of difficult relationships. Rather than play reruns of old narratives about relatives this holiday, why not tap into how a smile, a tone of voice, a tilt of your head, or a friendly gaze can shift the dynamic, perhaps helping you rewrite old histories. What can you do to make others feel safe?
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