Connections

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing is a field. I’ll meet you there.” - Rumi

Several years ago, the journalist Dan Buettner set out to better understand the role that environment had on longevity. His curiosity was based on a Danish study of twins which found that only 20% of our lifespan is determined by heredity, while about 80% is a result of lifestyle and the environment. Buettner wondered if there were similarities in the habits and surroundings of those who led remarkably long lives and if these principles could be used to build healthier communities. In association with National Geographic and funding from the National Institute on Aging, Buettner studied census data with a team of demographers and identified five geographic areas where a large proportion of the population lived long and vibrant lives. Buettner defined these areas as “blue zones” which were in diverse locations scattered throughout the globe: Ikaria, Greece; Loma Linda, California; Nicoya, Costa Rica; Okinawa, Japan; and Sardinia, Italy.

Although these areas share some similarities such as year-round warm weather, an ocean location, and remote, small communities, they are quite different culturally. Regardless of culture and location, Buettner found that these five “blue zones” shared nine lifestyle characteristics, which he later labeled as the “Power 9” principles. These similarities are grouped into key areas that encompass activity, diet, and outlook. The oldest and healthiest members of these Blue Zone regions ate a mostly plant-based diet, got plenty of natural activity (walking, swimming, baking, gardening, etc.), drank moderate amounts of alcohol, followed healthy daily routines, and enjoyed strong social networks characterized by close associations with families, friends, and their communities.

Further analysis of the common characteristics of Blue Zones showed that, although diet and physical activity were important lifestyle factors, social connection seemed to have the strongest influence on the health and vitality of these remarkably healthy centenarians. In these communities, loved ones were a priority, and centenarians spent a considerable amount of time and effort nurturing family relationships. They lived close to their children, who treated them with respect for their wisdom, endowing them with a higher status in the family hierarchy. Blue Zone centenarians also had strong ties to faith-based communities and belonged to social groups that held similar values. Overall, healthy centenarians cultivated and maintained deep ties to their families and communities and enjoyed a wide range of both qualitative and quantitative connections.

From our most basic physiology to our deepest primal needs, humans are built for social connection. One of our most fundamental needs is to be loved and to belong, with studies showing that a lack of social connection is more detrimental to health than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure. Isolation increases anxiety and depression and is associated with higher rates of developing chronic diseases. Loneliness is so toxic that it is a risk factor for developing cancer. A lack of social connection is now considered one of the strongest predictors of vulnerability to disability, illness, and mortality. People who experience low levels of social interaction as measured by contacts with family, relatives, and friends, church membership, and other group affiliations, are two to four times more likely to die ten years earlier than those who have high levels of social interaction, even when other factors such as age, prior illness, income, diet, smoking, and alcohol consumption, and physical activity are accounted for.

Social connection has a positive cumulative impact on our health. Higher levels of connection are associated with lower rates of anxiety and fewer episodes of depression. Socially connected people report higher levels of self-esteem, are more trusting and cooperative, and show more empathy and compassion to others. These behaviors generate a positive feedback loop in which others treat them more favorably, so they tend to enjoy higher quality relationships that enhance their physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This reminds me of the adage that my mother would repeat whenever I complained that a friend was being “mean”: people will treat you the way you treat them. When we connect with others with compassion, openness, and kindness, we strengthen ties that support our health and bring us closer to living a longer and healthier life.

What constitutes a social connection? Does a daily exchange with the barista at Starbucks offer the same health benefits as a close friend? Studies of social involvement and health, as well as data collected on Blue Zone centenarians, suggest that the sheer number of relationships and connections one has—through marriage, family, groups, church, or in the community—is, by itself, a strong predictor of mortality. This may seem counterintuitive, especially after living through pandemic lockdowns. We all know the happy introvert who thrived in the early days of pandemic isolation, tucked away from the noise and stress of human interaction while working from home, having groceries left at the front door, enjoying blissful hours of social isolation. We can assume that such a person would not suffer any ill effects from a lack of social interactions and perhaps may have blossomed in solitude. Conversely, it’s hard to imagine that a couple who argue and battle with each other would not suffer the health consequences of a life filled with strife. But studies tell us otherwise, consistently showing that the ill effects of a lack of social connection overpowers any short term benefits of isolation or long term stress of dysfunctional relationships.

Perhaps we can better understand how the sheer number of our relationships enhances our health when we consider the broader implications of social connections. The scope, flavor, and depth of our relationships form the fabric of our social support network. Who you know and how well you are connected will determine the resources that are available to help you navigate life. My daughter is a social worker in New York City and was recently told she was a “hero” for working with foster children. She pointed out that she did not possess any superpowers, nor did she deserve praise—she was simply a connection through which families could access resources that help them through a crisis. We can imagine that both the happy introvert and the battling couple are better served when they have a network of trusted relationships to turn to in times of need. Take a moment to consider the different layers of the social connections that surround you. Think of the people who populate your world, from your closest inner circle to those with whom you have a friendly relationship. Then extend your awareness to people with whom you have a neutral connection, perhaps a coworker, your physician, a mechanic, the cleaning lady. Lastly, consider those who come into your life only occasionally, existing in the outer corners of your life but who play an important role in your life. These connections form the complex web of your social support network. How varied and diverse is this network? How well does it support you?

Measuring the quality of our relationships is trickier than counting the sheer number as it is inherently subjective, shaped by our emotional intelligence and awareness of internal states. Studies have found that those who are tuned into their thoughts and feelings tend to cultivate strong, meaningful connections at a higher rate than those with a low level of awareness. Our thinking patterns and feelings significantly color our interactions with others. Our senses are the doors that open us to a world of genuine connection with other people—our eyes, ears, noses, and sense of touch each provide information about our environment. When we engage in habitual thought patterns, we tune out the information from our senses that challenge our world view. Rather than being guided by present moment awareness, our interactions with others get stuck in rigid thoughts and beliefs. We then fall into a cycle of self-subverting behaviors that perpetuate inaccuracies in our thinking and lead to dysfunctional social interactions. Think of that annoying relative who has no filter, with a habit of making outrageous comments that spark hostile exchanges and hurt feelings. He typically leaves gatherings convinced that he is misunderstood, an outcast of the family. Without evaluating his behavior, this belief is sure to be true. Relationships are enhanced when we show up and remain completely present to the other through our senses, able to skillfully respond to the realities of the present moment.

All relationships, from those that are nurtured over a lifetime, to the daily short interlude with a Starbucks barista--can be fascinating, intriguing, and beautiful when we take off the blinders of rigid beliefs and come fully into the presence of another. We can’t control how people will act toward us, but we can certainly influence what kind of connection we make with them. The nature of our reactions sets the course for the quality and quantity of our social connections, creating a momentum that will either lead to isolation or cultivate a wide web of social support. What strengths do you bring to your relationships that keep you connected?

November marks the beginning of the holiday season, a time that is filled with expectations of happy gatherings with family, friends, and coworkers. How we connect with others will color our experience of these connections. Throughout November we will explore the qualities that nurture positive social ties and those that create disconnection and stress. I hope you’ll take some time this month to explore what you bring to your relationships and how these qualities can be cultivated in ways that enrich your social connections. What can you do to strengthen your connections? Which relationships are clouded in judgment, envy, and hard feelings? Can you soften the grip of these thoughts and see someone in a new light? Like the centenarians in the Blue Zones, let us take the time to intentionally cultivate relationships to both widen and strengthen our connections. Whereas longevity may be related to our social connections, finding more beauty and joy in others may do more than just add years to our lives; it will add richness to our years and, indeed, to every moment.